


Say You Won’t Let Go

by lovesnarf (snarfette)



Category: EastEnders
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post Pride episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 23:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19711753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarfette/pseuds/lovesnarf
Summary: He’d not felt right. Not after he’d told Stuart about his encounter with Ben. Not when he’d been unable to find his phone. Not while he’d stood listening to the words of ‘Proud’, Whitney in his arms.The words of the song had cut through him. It was supposed to be inspiring, supposed to make him feel proud of who he was, but all he felt was shame and fear.





	Say You Won’t Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> I have caught up with their storyline over the last couple of days (mostly because I was suckered into it by seeing gifs and reactions on tumblr - damn you, tumblr!). So this is me dipping my toe into the Ballum/Benway (see I don’t even know the ship name!) pool to see what happens. I watched the Pride episode on Friday and this ficlet just had to be written.

He’d not felt right. Not after he’d told Stuart about his encounter with Ben. Not when he’d been unable to find his phone. Not while he’d stood listening to the words of ‘Proud’, Whitney in his arms. 

The words of the song had cut through him. It was supposed to be inspiring, supposed to make him feel proud of who he was, but all he felt was shame and fear. He wasn’t proud of himself: it seemed like nothing he did was right. He didn’t want to hurt Whitney; he really did love her. But he couldn’t stop thinking about Ben. He wanted him - so much. Ben knew him. Even after such a short time, Ben seemed to ‘get him’ in ways no-one else ever had. 

So he wasn’t proud of himself. He was a failure and he was going to end up hurting everyone. 

He squeezed his eyes closed and scrubbed at his face with his free hand. He had to stop this.

The song came to a close to huge cheers and whistles from the crowd.

“Shall we head home?” Whitney asked as she looked up at him, contented smile on her face.

Something still didn’t feel right.

“You go,” Callum replied. “I need to just help clear up here first and then find my phone.”

“Aw, babe,” Whitney pouted. She patted him on the cheek.

“Go on,” he told her. “I won’t be long.” He forced a smile onto his face. 

Whitney pushed up on her toes and pressed a quick kiss to his lips before she turned and moved through the crowd. 

Callum watched her go, feeling utterly torn about how he felt. He loved her. But then there was Ben. 

Sighing, he made his way back through the crowd and into the bar. Before anything else, he needed to find his phone. He’d left it behind the bar and he was really hoping that someone hadn’t nicked it. Maybe someone had just moved it or knocked it onto the floor. 

When he rounded the bar, his phone was almost exactly where he’d left it. It was definitely weird. It hadn’t been there. He’d managed a quick look around for it before and it _definitely_ hadn’t been there. 

Grabbing it off the counter, he immediately saw the notification on the screen. 

1 new message

Ben:

I’ll be there. 

What did that mean? Was it some sort of reference to their conversation the day before? Ben would be there for him. But why send it? Why now? Why at all? Hadn’t they left things like they had for a reason? 

Frowning at his phone, he unlocked it and opened the message. And his stomach flipped uncomfortably. 

Why was there a message supposedly from himself to Ben? He hadn’t sent that. He hadn’t arranged a secret meeting between them. So who had? And why?

Something cold slid down his spine: a feeling of dread and dawning realisation. 

Pushing his way through the bodies still packed into the club, he ran for the door. His heart was already hammering in his chest and it wasn’t from exertion. 

He sprinted away from the rainbow colours and the joyful laughter and straight for The Arches. When he got to the door, he paused. He wasn’t sure what he was going to find inside. Maybe it would be nothing. Maybe he’d got it wrong. But something didn’t feel right: it hadn’t all night. And now he was wishing he’d listened to his gut earlier. 

Taking a deep breath, he pushed the door open slowly. The creaking seemed so loud even with the distant pounding of music. He could only focus on one thing now. 

Stepping over the threshold, he stopped and gasped in horror. 

In the low light of the solo lamp in the garage, Ben was lying on his side on the ground. 

“Oh god, no,” Callum breathed as he dashed forwards and fell to his knees beside Ben. 

His hands fluttered in mid-air. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he should touch him. 

Ben’s eyes were closed. His face was covered in blood. His arm was draped over his stomach like he’d been trying to protect himself. 

Callum’s stomach lurched again. This couldn’t be happening. 

“Ben?” he called softly. He was so afraid.  “Ben, wake up.”

The only sign of life was the wheezy little breaths that Ben was dragging in and it hurt Callum just looking at him. Carefully, so slowly, he reached out a trembling hand and touched Ben’s hand. It was so cold. And it frightened Callum even more. He didn’t know how long Ben had been lying there or how badly hurt he was. He could only see the injuries on his face, but what else was there? What damage was hidden by his clothes? 

“Ben?” he called again. “Please... _please_ wake up.” His chin was wobbling and he could feel tears burning his eyes. 

He lifted his hand and gently stroked the side of Ben’s face. Ben had done the same to him when he was scared and on the verge of falling apart. He’d been so careful with him. For all of his dangerous teasing and flirting and sometimes acidic comments, when it came to it, when it had been just the two of them, Ben had been so careful with him, so gentle. 

Callum let out a sob of pure anguish. This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

He fumbled for his phone from his pocket. He didn’t know if he was doing the right thing, but what else could he do? He couldn’t help Ben and he didn’t know how seriously he was hurt. He wanted Ben to wake up and tell him what to do, to be his usual bossy, demanding self, but he wasn’t waking up and Callum was so scared. 

He dialled 999 and relayed the information in a shuddering voice. He didn’t take his eyes off Ben as he spoke into the phone. He kept his hand against his cheek, his thumb stroking across his cheekbone. 

When he hung up, he felt Ben move slightly beneath his touch. He moaned low and then gasped in pain.

“Ben?” Callum asked, immediately leaning closer. 

Ben’s eyes cracked open and he squinted up at Callum. It almost looked like he couldn’t quite believe he was there. Then he squeezed his eyes closed and moaned again. 

“Ben? Can you hear me?” Callum asked desperately. 

It seemed to take an age, but Ben’s eyes slowly opened again. “Yeah,” he managed to force out. He blinked at Callum and it seemed to take such effort. 

Suddenly, he tried to move. He tried to sit up and cried out in pain, clutching at his stomach. 

“No, no,” Callum said. “You need to stay still.”

Ben glared at him but lay back against the floor. 

“Got...to get...out of here,” Ben said, his voice raspy and pained.

“Not like this,” Callum replied. “You’re really hurt.”

Callum was sure Ben rolled his eyes and he couldn’t believe he could manage to still be such an arsehole even when he was in so much pain. 

“I know,” Ben ground out. “I can...feel it.”

Callum swallowed thickly. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. 

“You...should go,” Ben said. His eyes had turned away from Callum. And Callum knew he was expecting him to walk away, to leave him alone. 

“I ain’t leaving ya,” he immediately replied. 

“Don’t...don’t make promises...you can’t keep,” Ben told him. He looked back at Callum and behind the physical pain, Callum could see the terrible sadness in his eyes. 

Callum grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said firmly.

Ben just looked at him for a long moment, like he was trying to figure something out. When his fingers closed weakly around Callum’s, Callum looked down at their joined hands. He frowned down at them and then looked back up at Ben’s face. 

“What happened?” he asked.

Ben closed his eyes. “Just...someone else who...don’t like me,” he replied gruffly.

Callum blew out a long breath and shook his head. “It was Stuart, weren’t it?” 

Ben opened his eyes and looked at him. He seemed sad again. 

“Did...did ya...” he swallowed and winced. “Did ya...ask him to?”

Callum’s eyes widened in shock. “Shit. No! Of course not. Ben...no.”

He felt tears well in his eyes again. This was so messed up. 

“He took my phone. Must’ve text you to get you here. I didn’t know, I swear. I wouldn’t...I wouldn’t...” he trailed off and hung his head. 

He felt Ben’s hand squeeze his weakly again and he drew in a steadying breath. Again he looked down at their joined hands. 

“You didn’t fight back,” he murmured. 

He looked up to see the brief moment of shock on Ben’s face before he tried to hide it. He ran his thumb over Ben’s knuckles. “You don’t have any bruises or anything on your hands. You didn’t fight back,” he repeated. 

He didn’t understand it, but he also knew he wasn’t going to be getting any answers from Ben. Not yet anyway. 

Neither of them said anything for a while and then there were blue lights flashing outside the door. 

Ben’s eyes widened. “What...did ya do?” he asked. He looked panicked.

His obvious anxiety seemed to spread to Callum but he didn’t know why. 

“I was scared,” he said simply. “I thought...it looked really bad. And...I didn’t want to lose ya.”

Ben blinked at him. He smiled one of his crooked smiles. “This ain’t...my first time,” he said. “Ya get used...to it.”

Callum shook his head. “Don’t say that.” He couldn’t bear it: he didn’t want to imagine Ben getting beaten over and over just because of who he was. 

The door opened and two paramedics appeared. “Hello? Did someone call an ambulance?”

Callum looked up at them. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

The two walked into the garage carrying their bags of equipment. 

Ben’s eyes moved to their joined hands.

Callum looked down too. He should let go. If he wanted to maintain the illusion of just being ‘mates’, if he wanted to keep pretending - to everyone, including himself - he should let go. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to hold on. He didn’t want Ben’s hand to slip from his again like it had the other day. He wanted to hold on. 

He felt Ben try to pull away and he tightened his grip. 

“Don’t,” he muttered. His eyes met Ben’s and something passed between them. 

He didn’t know what was ahead, but he knew he wasn’t letting go. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always greatly appreciated.
> 
> I’m snarfettelove on tumblr.


End file.
